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Volume 1
Issue 2
August 1998
Iris
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A Survival Guide to Groups
by Sarah O. Richards
The 7 people sat in a circle of chairs, staring intently at the woman talking. "I've been fighting with my 15 year old son for days, and all he does is ignore me and watch TV," she says dabbing at her eyes with a damp kleenex. "I just am at the end of my rope, I don't know what to do."
The facilitator asks "is there anyone else here who has struggled with something like this?"
One man slowly shifts his position and says "I have. My daughter wouldn't listen to a word I said so I finally blew up - it was the worst moment of my life. She looked at me so scared I didn't know what to do. I finally called here and got some help, now I have more ideas. What I did with her is ..." and he explains his solutions that he found for himself and his daughter.
While this particular conversation is fiction, what is represented here frequently happens in groups. In this group the members share similar life situations with parenting. They are there to help each other and the facilitator is there to help them find their answers. People who like this kind of group find inspiration from sharing with others in similar circumstances. This is only one way that groups can be useful to members.
Therapy, personal growth classes and
groups,
what are they good for?
Getting information
- Learning about a topic
- In the complex fabric of our lives there are many
things we are not formally taught that we need to know.
Often these things include ways to relate to others, ways
to understand and grapple with one's own mind and
feelings, or learning through writings and research on
topics that can alter our sometimes limiting ideas.
Aspects of these are learned through living within a
family and through relationships with others as we attend
school and go to work. But often the knowledge we gain
"on the streets" needs to be modified as we grow. It is
then that taking classes or attending groups can a source
of help.
- Often these things involve learning about how to
relate to others, how to assert oneself in ways that
don't alienate others, or what are the normal stages a
kid will go through and how does a parent address them
reasonably.
- Sharing information and resources
- Through living people learn a great many ways of
addressing a situation, or they will have identified
community resources. In a group one can discover and
share the wisdom of the others. Things are shared such
as names of doctors who are knowledgeable in a certain
area, programs to help relieve caretakers, perhaps
funding resources or places of refuge, or a specific
organization that supports people with similar life
situations. Groups can help people find books,
programs, or other groups that inspire or soothe.
- Getting "reality checks"
- In our search for answers we commonly find ourselves
traveling down a detour or a dead-end. Within groups
members will often help each other identify the ways in
which we may be traveling that don't lead where we want
to go.
- Identifying strategies and tools useful within the topic area
- Many times in groups someone will say "I never
thought of it that way" or "That's a great idea, I'll
see how it might fit for me." Being exposed to a
variety of ideas, thoughts, and materials that discuss
new concepts or ideas can broaden the possible choices
a person will have.
- In working with others, living in a family, or living inside one's own head there are a number of "tools" that can be used to build a life. These are not unlike the tools one would find in a ordinary toolbox, but we don't call them hammers, screw-drivers, or saws. But people find themselves frequently digging their "people tools" out of the toolbox in the ordinary flow of life. Groups are involved in teaching new tools and how to use them.
The areas in which new skills can be developed include:
- Problem solving strategies
- Relationship skills
- Self-exploration skills
- Self-management skills
- Learning with others
- Practicing new kinds of interactions
- In some kinds of groups people will actually practice new ways of interacting with others. They will practice listening empathicly, stating their feelings clearly, noticing non-verbals, or helping each other identify a hidden emotion. Practicing in a group is like a safe rehearsal for trying it outside with co-workers or family members. They can also watch others learn and see each other change and grow in positive ways.
Meeting other people who are dealing with similar life events, or similar ways of living
- The support group boom is evidence of the importance of people needing to talk with, hear, and learn from people who have gone through similar experiences. In support groups there are people who are in differing stages of knowing and experiencing a situation. In more structured groups people may be talking for the first time about subjects too tender to discuss in the daily life of work relationships or casual friends. There is a powerful resonance with those who are in similar situations.
Learning about interacting with yourself and others
- How many times have you said something that had an unexpected reaction and you've been absolutely bewildered as to why? Some have found that 93% of communication happens non-verbally. So, most of what you communicate is not through the words you choose. Groups can help people learn how they come across. Communication is a skill that can be learned and there are many different and interesting ways to do so.
Having a safe place to talk about sensitive issues
- When there is something surrounded by intense
emotions it is difficult to discuss with just anyone. The
group can introduce topics that have been too loaded with
heavy emotions or taboos so people can at last open to
some of the secret places inside. Groups are usually
structured to allow for sensitivity towards people who
are discussing tender topics. Often people try a group or
two before they gain confidence in their ability to
evaluate for safety. It is part of the building of a
stronger sense of oneself and worthiness to learn about
trust and sharing.
- Having a regularly scheduled meeting dedicated to the topic you are interested in so daily life makes space for learning
Next Month
How to Select the Right Group or Class for You
