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Volume 1
Issue 4
October 1998
Iris
Publishing
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Page
Feature
Article
Success
Stories
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Iris News
Previous
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A Survival
Guide to Groups - Part 3
Getting the most out of therapy and personal
growth groups and classes
The
Introvert versus the extrovert
Listening and not talking doesn't mean the group
isn't important or useful
- People tend to have different ways to process their
thoughts and feelings. Some people don't talk at all in
a group and they report significant impact and growth as
a result of the group. Others seem to need to talk a
lot. Some hold it all inside until they figure it out
and then come out with fully formed ideas or responses.
Others will speak out about many different things and
then will sort through what has been verbalized before
they have an internal understanding or sense of the
material. Neither way is better, but usually they
don't understand each other.
Often the introverts, who process things internally before speaking will see themselves as deep and thoughtful. The extroverts, those who sort after speaking, will see themselves open-minded and broad. When they get into conflict the introverts may see the extroverts as shallow and the extroverts may call the introverts narrow.
What FEEDBACK is and how it
can be useful
- Feedback, defined in The Random House College
Dictionary, is: "1) the returning of some of the energy
of the plate circuit of a vacuum tube to the grid
circuits, either to oppose the input or to aid the input
...and ... 4) the reaction of some results of a process
serving to alter or reinforce the character of that
process." The first definition is well-known, and you
may cringe in just reading of that horrible, high-pitched
squeal. Feedback can be a painful thing - but that
doesn't make it bad.
In groups you can experience the results (feedback) of what you do and those results will help guide you in future doings. Sometimes, they will be positive, sometimes negative. In order to make use of the feedback, the hardest part is to separate your liking and disliking of it from your ability to analyze the results and make decisions based on them. This is a prime function of some groups - to provide a place to get feedback in as positive way as possible and then have a chance to explore the meaning of that feedback consciously.
Confidentiality
How you can avoid betraying confidentiality
- There are times you will want to discuss your
reactions or the emotional impact of an event that
happens in a group. Having trusted people in your life
will help you "digest" these events so you can learn from
them. While therapists are useful and trained in how to
listen, it is very helpful to have at least one besides a
therapist around to talk to. You evaluate other people
in your life for their trustworthiness and as you get
better at doing good evaluations, the more trustworthy
the people become. There are ways you can share your
reactions and still respect the privacy and trust of the
others in the group.
It is usually best to speak about your own experience only. If another group member has told something of their life or if they have behaved a way in group that impacted you it is important to learn how to speak about those events as they relate to you. Most group members do not want their personal material discussed by others outside of group, just as you would prefer others not discuss any of your personal information. Your reactions, though, to events in the group is your material. Usually a group will discuss how to do this, if they don't, then ask if they are willing to have such a discussion.
Evaluate for yourself the risk and how you feel about disclosures
Confidentiality can't be guaranteed. There is always the chance that someone will talk.
Let yourself start slowly in what you disclose in a group. If you are concerned about sharing personal material, remember you don't have to say anything at any time. Disclosure level is always a personal decision and shouldn't be forced. Learn to evaluate your internal thermometer. For instance, I start to sweat if I'm going out on a limb. Sometimes I'll continue, sometimes I'll stop myself, but I recognize that symptom and when I start to sweat, its a warning to me that I have to make a choice. Learning what, how, and when to share about yourself is part of the group learning experience. Your ability to share will change as you gain more group experience.
A good group or class should not ask for deep disclosures before people have had a chance to get to know each other. But, if they do, and you're uncomfortable, then be sure to limit your sharing to the level at which you feel ok.
Learn
about your preferred learning "channels"
Three basic learning "channels"
While there are three channels for learning, people
usually have a combination of 2 or 3 of the channels. Only a
few people learn in uniquely one way.
Visual
- Visual people perform better with pictures or with
being able to read the material on paper or on an
overhead projector. They like videos. They will often
be able to create images in their imagination easily.
If you are visual, take notes as you need, since seeing the words on paper help reinforce the visual channel. In some groups taking notes will be difficult or questioned so you will have to work with the facilitator or the group, or give yourself permission to write or draw afterward.
Doodling rather than being distracting can help anchor learning.
Auditory
Auditory people like to hear things, or sometimes will have words pass through their minds when thinking about things. Hearing the words and non-verbal inflections is the strength for this channel.
If you are auditory, let yourself close your eyes as needed in order to let your auditory functions be less distracted.
Listen to others, but also listen to yourself when you speak, you may discover new insights to yourself as you hear what you say.
Kinesthetic
Kinesthetic people like to move around. When thinking, they'll often go for a walk, or they'll dance around until they've thought something through. They often like to move in some way related to what they are learning. They like to do hands-on things, to move their arms, hands, legs, heads... while someone is talking. People who use their body more to process and digest information are often ignored in typical learning settings. This is a minority way, at least in our consciousness. Although there are many who simply do better if they are moving around.
If you are kinesthetic, when you're in a group let yourself get up and move around when you need. Sometimes just getting up and sitting down is enough, others need to leave the room for a brief period.
Pressures
in a group or class
Groups can put a lot of pressure on people to conform to that group
- Sometimes, if it is only slightly uncomfortable to do
what the group asks and it is something that you have
said you want to try, that pressure can be helpful.
Other times the group may be pushing you beyond what you can tolerate or accept. The group pressure may be asking you to betray your own values and/or beliefs. That pressure can be harmful.
The ways that a group can put pressure on are too many to list. Your best bet is your own internal barometer and a conversation with trusted friends or a therapist if you are troubled by what is going on in your group.
Handling
intense emotions
- In any kind of group intense emotions can surface.
In a therapy or personal growth group you have an
opportunity to discover new ways to handle those
emotions. Speaking about how to deal with emotions is
often confusing at best, since they are an intense
experience that doesn't translate well into words. In a
group you will want to be sure there is basic emotional
safety.
Basic emotional safety is knowing that
- you won't be physically harmed for expressing your emotion
- you won't be mentally or emotionally belittled or put-down in any way
- you will receive sold empathic support from others in the group
Limits can be set around what is allowed during the expression of an emotion, and those limits can be stated in affirming, supportive ways. Groups differ in how they show support and sometimes one group's way feels hurtful to another.
You can give yourself permission to postpone processing any emotions until that group session is over and you're with a trusted friend. However, it is important to talk, talk, talk. For most people holding emotions inside creates more misery than security once basic personal safety has been established.
One of the choices you have in a group is to learn how to experience emotions in the moment. This should be an advanced goal for dealing with emotions and comes after you've learned to talk about them, to vent emotions appropriately, either in the group or outside of the group, and to stretch your capacity for trying new ways to allow the emotions to teach you.
Practicing
and deepening honesty
Self-disclosure
- Self-disclosure really happens all the time, whether
we talk or not. However, we usually think of it as
whether we share some part of our lives, either past or
present, that is somehow painful to us to have other
people know.
In every way we act or every decision we make, every movement and every word we say discloses something about us. Some groups focus on understanding subtle communication, some focus on talking about topics previously taboo, some don't focus on either.
A facilitator will usually avoid talking about their own personal lives, but they may disclose information about themselves as it relates to the process of the group. There is no hard and fast rule, but for the most part, groups are formed to serve the members. Usually, a group is not formed to serve the facilitator, but if that seems to be happening, then find a way to talk about it either in the group or with trusted people.
Be willing to talk about what is troubling
Sometimes there is something going on in the group that is troubling, or you may have a reaction to some material that is presented. Finding a way to talk about it is a way to deepen your honesty with yourself and with others. What usually stops people are thoughts such as "I'm just being overly sensitive" or "No one else is having this problem, it's just me." Often people find out that they were not alone in what they were experiencing and by talking about it, the possibility for change is increased.
Learn to confront with tact
People tend to grow in an atmosphere of loving acceptance. That does not mean that everything is agreeable and sugary sweet. Underneath the loving acceptance is the concept: if I really can accept you and me, then I can accept that we can differ and that we can engage in problem solving discussions without hurting the other.
Learning to confront others with the best interests of all in mind, including people's sense of deep well-being is a skill learned slowly as one experiences more groups. This is very different than just telling someone that they are goofing up or stupid.
How to know when it's ok to share deeply and when it's better to address other concerns
Depending on the function of the group and your own sense of self you will be constantly evaluating when it's ok to share deeply and when it's not. The rules you use for that evaluation will change as you learn new techniques and go through life experiences. Just remember, it's ok to make that evaluation for yourself and to allow yourself to update the rules as you go through life.
Ending
or leaving a group
- No matter what kind of group you are in there will
come a time when it's over. Saying goodbye is an
important skill that can be learned through participating
in a group. Many groups are offered for a fixed number
of meetings so all members know when it's finished,
others continue for an indefinite period of time and so
members are coming in and out at various times.
Sometimes people will want to continue meeting with each
other when the group if finished, sometimes not.
In ongoing groups it can be difficult to determine when you are finished with the group. You can discuss it within the group, with the facilitator, or with trusted people.
Time should be allowed, in a therapy or personal growth group to talk about ending and say goodbye. Other options for future groups can be shared. It is ok to be sad about the ending of a group, the exact experience you had in any one group will never be duplicated, but it can be remembered.
There are many ways to leave a group.
Leaving before the group is finished.
- Zone out by allowing your attention to drift onto other things. This is a natural function of the mind, but when you find yourself missing significant pieces of the group you can ask yourself "what is going on that I'm missing the group?"
- Fade out and don't return. You can attend one or more meetings and then never return. In some kinds of groups no one will question or even know. But in a facilitated therapy group you are likely to get contacted to find out what happened.
- Walk out and stay out after an emotionally intense portion of a session. Sometimes emotions get stirred up strongly enough that a person will want to leave the group and be alone or with other people. Sometimes the person is sufficiently upset that they may choose to stay out. In facilitated groups that person will usually be contacted as a follow up to make sure the person is ok and find out what went wrong.
- Walk out and return after being with an emotion or after waiting for the next session. This can be difficult since the member will want to find a way to share with the group about the experience. You can discuss the event privately with the facilitator if you want to.
Finishing with the group
- Most people will go through the whole group and end at the time of the group, if it is a fixed-term group. In these groups there is a certain ending date and all the members know what it is and can prepare for it.
- An ongoing group will require help from the facilitator in how to finish in a way the group member will experience as positive - more of a graduation than a failure.
- Some things to consider when finishing a group are:
- What were your first impressions of the group and how did they change?
- What did you learn from the various people in the group?
- What will you remember about the various people in the group?
- What would you like from the group now?
- What would you like to give to the group now?
Summary
- Groups are valuable resources for developing insight,
skills, and connections with people. You can use them in
conjunction with individual therapy or they can be a
separate part of your personal growth plan. They come in
many kinds and sizes and you are now well on your way to
using them effectively for your own health and growth.
Any comments or questions on the material in this article can be directed to the author at Iris Publishing, PO Box 1092, Coupeville, WA 98239.
